Smooth As Butter
by Solyom S. Lovas
Summary: It's Stiles first time. It is finally happening. This is going to be awesome. He's going to have sex with Derek Freaking Hale. And then he gets distracted by Derek's larger then average manly bits. Smooth move, Stilinski. Short, silly one shot written for my friend in a fit of madness. Enjoy.


A/N

Alright I need to do some explaining before you go off and read this little piece of magic. This is a short, completely crack fic I wrote in my friends Tumblr ask box the other night. It's not long. It's not very good. It's not meant to be. This was for the lols and now I am giving it to you. Hope you have a good laugh like I did.

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It was Stiles' first time and he was nervous. Not only was he losing his virginity (FINALLY), but he was losing it to Derek Mother-Fucking-Alpha-Werewolf-Cheekbone-Sexyface Hale.

How in the actual shit did that happen?

Not only was this not a dream, he had pinched himself to be sure, but he was seriously getting the guy going. He was making Derek all hot and bothered. In the mood. Turning him on. The guy had a boner the size of Quebec!

Like here he was, all pale spotted, skin and bone, the epitome of average and then there was Derek with his tan and muscles and perfect hair and monster dick. Like holy shit, it was like Dickzilla was attacking Beacon Hills, first stop, Stiles' ass. Now that think cannot be human, there had to be something supernatural about it.

In the last year Stiles had found himself surrounded with creatures of the night and in dangerous, life threatening situations, but this here is the end. This is how he was going to go. Not getting his mauled by some rouge werewolf or other something, but death by dick. Yep. He's grave stone would read, "Here lies Stiles, he tried to be gay once and it didn't go very well. They're still cleaning bits of him off the wall".

What would his dad think when he found him dead and bloody on the floor, with a stupid grin on his face and Derek already half way to Mexico hiding under the alias, Miguel El Mucho Grande?

"STILES."

Well that sounded more like a growl then his name, but that sure got his attention. Yep, smooth move Stiles, you've been sitting on your bed, half naked for GOD KNOWS HOW LONG, staring at Derek's penis like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Heeeey, you."

Smooth as butter.

"Is this happening, or should I go?"

OHHH YEAH, he totally sounds pissed.

"If this isn't want you want then I can leave."

Okay now he looks like a kicked puppy. Way to go, Stilinski.

"Yep! Yes! This is a thing. This is happening. I will mountain ash your ass in here if you try to leave."

Great now you sound like a rapist, this is going swimmingly.

"I mean, I haven't changed my mind, but I was just... taken aback by your manliness?"

And now he's giving Stiles the bitch face. Great.

"Don't look like that. You should feel complemented; your dick actually left me speechless."

"Humph."

Amusement, he can work with that.

"I mean I don't know how we are gonna swing this cause I'm kinda small and fragile and made of pure human virginity and you're kinda big and scary and the proud owner of your very own Mjolnir. We could always try some cuddling firstWHOA!"

Derek moved faster than Stiles expected and he all of a sudden found himself pinned with his back on the bed, Derek's lips on his own.

Kissing, I can work with this too.

"Don't worry Stiles, I'll go slow."

That works too.

It took a bit, but they had sex. Lots of it actually, in several of different positions. It was awesome and the bards would sing of it for years to come.

Now it was cuddle time, cause Stiles doubted he would be moving for a bit. Derek's fine though. Damn werewolves and their healing powers. He was just getting comfy, Derek wrapped around him from behind, nose nuzzled behind Stiles ear and hot breath at his neck. He was dozing off when Derek spoke.

"Did you compare my dick to Thor's Hammer?"

FIN.

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A/N

Even though this isn't serious I am a sucker for reviews. If this made you laugh tell me why, I want to read your mind words and stuff.

Thanks for reading, S.


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